May wrap-up, favourites and other

tw// suicide + depression

Dear reader,

Look at me posting my May wrap-up perfectly on time this time. Honestly, May has been a roller-coaster. You may have noticed or not, but 2018 has been… Well, hell for me. It started well but ever since February, the anxiety and depression consumed me once again and I fall back into everything that I once was, this extremely sad and angry girl who couldn’t spend a day without getting hurt. May has been… worse than all of that. It hasn’t been as bad as it could have been, but it was honestly awful to live in my head. I was exhausted and had no will to get out of bed. I was angry all the time, always at something or at someone, and I could feel the pain inside my chest. I was sad and couldn’t even put myself to do something to cheer me up. I started complaining on the Internet again, I got mad at some of my friends, I stopped going out, watching tv shows, reading, writing, working on my Instagram and blog. I then went to Vienna with my school, which terrified me. I woke up and sobbed for 30 minutes because of how stressed and sad I was. I’d lie if I said I didn’t think about death those past few weeks, those past few months…

But then I came back, and something changed. While in Vienna, I took some risks, went out alone, talked to other people than my friends, went to night club, expressed my feelings and more. It really did something to me. I came home ready to get better, and I started to do everything in order to succeed. Just like after my suicidal attempt when I was 18, it felt like a slap in my face and I started to see the world clearer. As if I was drowning the entire time and that I was finally getting my head out of the water. I’m not saying I am healed and I don’t want to say that I feel amazing (even though I do, a little bit), but I know that I survived the first half of 2018 and that the second one will be incredible. I am ready to go to the hospital in a few days to get the keys to deal with my eating disorder, ready to push myself to enjoy life, ready to start living my adult life as soon as I’ll be done with master degree in a few months and to simply be happy.

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WHAT I READ

As I said, I basically stopped reading in May. There may have been a slump in all of this but I was also way too busy with university, the trip and well, surviving. I didn’t want to pick up a book and I didn’t even have time to do so. That’s why I only read 6 books last month and weirdly, I am okay. I tried to push me to read four books in the last few days but I gave up because I want to read because I love it, because I want to, not because I want to look cool online and keep up with this “reads a lot” image I have. So, here is what I read last month:

• The Music Shop by Rachel Joyce, 2.5/5 stars
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling, 5/5 stars (re-read)
• Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie, 4/5 stars (re-read)

• The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo, 4.5/5 stars
• Dear Martin by Nic Stone, 5/5 stars
• Royals by Rachel Hawkins, 2.70/5 stars

My favourite one, outside of my re-read of Harry Potter of course, was Dear Martin. It doesn’t have the best ratings online but I truly think that it is an important read and that everyone should at least try to read it. It moved me a lot and I still think about it every day.

WHAT I LOVED

• Deadpool 2

tw// violence + explicit language + suicide

It isn’t new that I am a huge Marvel fan, but little people know that I adore Deadpool. My brother got me a funko pop of him two years ago for Christmas because he is my favourite anti-hero ever. Of course, I was excited for this sequel to come out but I was in Vienna and I had to wait a little while to see it… But it was so worth it! I laughed the entire time and even went to see it again.

Please, be careful before going though. I had a panic attack the first time because I can’t stand gun violence in movies (the sound of it makes me sick) and even though I was prepared for it all, it still is important to be aware of what may trigger you.

• Vienna and Bratislava

This month, I went to Vienna and Bratislava with my university and even though it was the most stressful thing ever I had so much fun. I actually had to organise the whole trip with four other students, it was one of our university projects, and that’s why I was so anxious anything would go wrong (along many other things). Still, it all went so well and I adored discover those cities!

• Marvel marathon

At the beggining of the month I took my sister to see Infinity War and because she hasn’t seen every Marvel movies she asked me to re-watch them all with her. Of course, I said yes. We aren’t done yet but it’s so amazing to re-watch everything. Those movies really have a special place in my heart and I’ll never get tired of this universe.

• The Crown

I started watching The Crown when it first came out but for whatever reasons stopped quite quickly. I started watching again this month and I completely fell in love with it. I am so glad that I decided to start it again – I really needed to watch period dramas again this month.

• Arctic Monkeys concert

I can’t believe how lucky I am to have got a ticket two days before the show. I tried to have one before but it was sold out immediatly and my friend Roxanne was left alone. Of course when it was announced that more tickets were available online, I had to get one and I am so glad that I did. It was such an amazing concert. Roxanne came to pick me up at work, we ate and then quietly went to the concert. We danced all night and had so much fun. It was one of the best concerts I have ever been too and it’s been a while since I laughed so much at one!

• Love, Simon gift box

I can’t believe how lucky I am to have been blessed by the Fox team that way. A few weeks ago, they sent me an e-mail, asking me if I would like to receive a gift for the release of Love, Simon in France (it still isn’t out though) and of course I had to say yes. Little did I know that I would received such a big box filled with so many amazing goodies inside! I am still shaking. I still can’t get to the idea that it is all happening to me. It’s crazy!

WHAT I WANT TO DO IN JUNE

As I am leaving for the hospital in a week and will stay there until July, I won’t be able to do much during June. I still am very excited to be able to focus on my mental health and still have some small but important goals set. Here they are:

• Pass all my exams,
• Start to get better,
• Simply enjoy every little things.

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Well, here we are! I have so much hope for this second half of the year and can’t wait for all the amazing things waiting for me.

I hope that May has been amazing for you all! Don’t hesitate to share with me how many books you read and what were your favourite things of the month.

Love always,

Clara