tw// suicide + depression
Look at me posting my May wrap-up perfectly on time this time. Honestly, May has been a roller-coaster. You may have noticed or not, but 2018 has been… Well, hell for me. It started well but ever since February, the anxiety and depression consumed me once again and I fall back into everything that I once was, this extremely sad and angry girl who couldn’t spend a day without getting hurt. May has been… worse than all of that. It hasn’t been as bad as it could have been, but it was honestly awful to live in my head. I was exhausted and had no will to get out of bed. I was angry all the time, always at something or at someone, and I could feel the pain inside my chest. I was sad and couldn’t even put myself to do something to cheer me up. I started complaining on the Internet again, I got mad at some of my friends, I stopped going out, watching tv shows, reading, writing, working on my Instagram and blog. I then went to Vienna with my school, which terrified me. I woke up and sobbed for 30 minutes because of how stressed and sad I was. I’d lie if I said I didn’t think about death those past few weeks, those past few months…
But then I came back, and something changed. While in Vienna, I took some risks, went out alone, talked to other people than my friends, went to night club, expressed my feelings and more. It really did something to me. I came home ready to get better, and I started to do everything in order to succeed. Just like after my suicidal attempt when I was 18, it felt like a slap in my face and I started to see the world clearer. As if I was drowning the entire time and that I was finally getting my head out of the water. I’m not saying I am healed and I don’t want to say that I feel amazing (even though I do, a little bit), but I know that I survived the first half of 2018 and that the second one will be incredible. I am ready to go to the hospital in a few days to get the keys to deal with my eating disorder, ready to push myself to enjoy life, ready to start living my adult life as soon as I’ll be done with master degree in a few months and to simply be happy.