Why I speak in English on social media while being French

Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Wanderlust GIFT IDEAS.png

Dear readers,

I never thought I’ll have to explain myself about it, but I think it is important for me to do it today.

If you don’t know, I am French. Yet, I speak in English on every social media I have and read English books in English. At first, it was the French community who was judging me: Are you doing this to attract more people on your accounts? Are you doing this for fame? Are you ashamed of being French? Do you think it makes you look cool? Why don’t you translate your English captions in French as well? Etc.

Those questions came back all the time. I once did a livestream and some French people came to ask me why I was still talking in English. As I am trying to spread positivity and kindness, and as I knew they weren’t trying to be mean or anything, I answered calmly and in a nice way.

However, I am starting to get comments from the English speaking community. Not much, but still. It started with a comment on my last YouTube video, saying that I must be brave to speak in a language I don’t know and that no French books could ever be a best-seller in the rest of the world. Then I received a comment on a blog post, telling me that my grammar was awful for someone who claims to be fluent. It didn’t hurt me but receiving more and more comments like this are really starting to get to me, no matter how hard I am trying to stay nice and calm on social media.

I never thought I’ll have to explain myself because I believe that we are allowed to do whatever we want on social media, as long as we are staying respectful. Me speaking in English shouldn’t bother people: If whenever I say something in English it hurts someone physically, sure I’ll stop. But it doesn’t, so I don’t see how anyone should have to say something about it. It doesn’t change anyone’s life, it doesn’t hurt anyone – the only thing it does is that it makes me happy and makes me feel more comfortable, confident. Anyway, I will still explain today why I am speaking in English and not in French, and also why I read English books in English, since many people asked me that as well.


You have to know something about me: Ever since I was 3, ever since I had my very first English lesson, I loved the language. It felt natural, easy. I actually understood it and it attracted me. I loved the sound of it, the words, the way people spoke. And as I grew up, as I started to learn more and more about it, I knew this language was made for me.

French school is amazing but the English lessons I had weren’t the best, so I decided to learn more by myself. I started by listening to the BBC radio every morning before leaving for school and by watching English tv shows with French subtitles and English youtubers. Then, of course, I started to read in English and to watch the same tv shows but with English subtitles. At some point, all I was doing in my life was listening to the English language. But, still, it wasn’t enough.

I knew that to really learn a language, I had to speak it. But how could I ever practice it in France? That’s why I started to speak in English on my Twitter account, because I knew English speaking people were there and could help me. At first, it was only a few tweets, but after I joined the bookstagram community, I decided to only speak in English. The Internet became a way for me to learn, to talk to people from all around the world.

Here is another thing you have to know about me: I started watching booktube videos when I was 15 and I only watched English speaking booktubers. So when I created my bookstagram account, I only knew the English words that are used by the bookish community, such as “TBR”, “wrap-up”, etc. I never was interested in watching French booktubers and never talked to French bookworms, so I knew nothing about the words used in France for it. It made sense for me to speak in the language I knew about, also because I was mostly reading English literature.

I do know now the French words for “TBR”, etc. but they don’t make sense to me. I find them weird and it somehow annoys me. It’s not because I’m feeling superior – it’s just because I grew up listening to the English words and those were the “right” ones in my mind (not that the French ones are wrong, they just don’t make sense to me as I grew up as a reader with other words and didn’t know about the French ones until very late). I am 22 today and I have been watching English booktube videos every morning and every night for 7 years. It grows on you, and I can’t change that. It’s part of my routine (it’s really all I do) and of who I am.

But it isn’t the only reasons. As I said, the English language makes me feel confident and most of all, comfortable. Ever since I was 3, I knew it was the language I was meant to speak. I remember growing up and speaking in English in class and telling some words I never thought I knew. I just knew them because the language felt natural, easy. Even though I love the French language with all my heart, the English one alwas talked to me. It’s in the English language that I feel comfortable enough to share my feelings, to talk about important subjects. It may makes zero sense to you, but it is what is happening to me. For instance, I barely ever say the words “I love you” in French but can say “I love you” in English all the time. How many times have I had to talk to my best friend in English to tell her what was wrong only because I couldn’t get the French words out of my mouth? And if you ever see me talking in French on a video, or in a blog post, you’ll see how weird I’ll look, how shy I am and how uncomfortable I can be.

It’s as if the English language was close to me, but still distant, which allows me to share more things about it because I can be someone else.

Finally, as I adore the English language, I have always wanted to live in an English speaking country. You have to see me in the UK, how comfortable I feel and how different I look. I am happy there, I am myself, and that’s what I want to feel for the rest of my life. But for that I have to know the language, and that’s why I am practicing by talking in English all the time. So yes, I do make mistakes. I see them myself, and sometimes I don’t. How many times have I wanted to scream at myself while editing a video because I heard myself make a big mistake but couldn’t do anything about it? It happens, it’s life. It’s what you do when you are learning: You make mistakes and you grow from them. I have spent months saying “serie” instead of “series” – I didn’t know, but now I do. And yes, my blog posts have mistakes too, but to be fair I would make mistakes in French too because I barely correct myself after writing. We always make mistakes and that’s okay – it shouldn’t prevent people from speaking another language. They aren’t hurting anyone, I am not hurting anyone. I am just doing it so I can feel myself and so I can grow, learn. And anyway, I shouldn’t have a reason: We all can do whatever we want and if I wanted to speak Spanish tomorrow, I should be able to do it without someone coming at me for it.

So here is why I am speaking in English on social media, even right now:

  • Because the English language feels natural to me and allows me to open myself;
  • Because I grew up listening to English speaking booktubers and it grew on me;
  • Because I mostly read English literature;
  • Because I want to learn and to practice to be able to become, one day, fluent.

I will, however, start working with an English speaking person for my blog who will correct what I write and explain to me what I did wrong. This way I’ll be able to learn even more and to present you something that is written correctly.


Honestly, it is very simple: I don’t see why I should read a translation, which costs me almost twice the price of a paperback copy, when I understand the English language and could read the real words chosen by the author.

But yes, I do mostly read English literature. I have to say that I do not like French YA books, maybe I haven’t found the right one but I can’t seem to like it. However, I do love some French adult books, such as thriller or historical fiction, and adore French classics. That is why I am trying this year to get back to French classics because no, I am not ashamed of my culture and yes, I do love the French language.

(And yes, I do love and respect French publishing houses. Honestly, I don’t even understand why I wouldn’t as I work in one.)


I have been thinking about the right way to finish this blog post and the only idea that came to my mind was to talk about criticism we receive online.

I am more than okay with people correcting my mistakes. Honestly, please, do it. I am here to learn and I won’t take it badly if you do it with respect. However, I do not understand the point of reading my longest article only to leave me a comment about my grammar, telling me that it’s awful and that I still claim to be fluent.

Here is the thing: If your comment doesn’t add anything positive to the world, please keep it to yourself. You can not love me nor my work, it’s totally fine – but please, realise that words have a power and that they can hurt. You do not have to come at me for telling me this – you are wasting both your time and mine. I believe it is useless to read something you don’t like, or by someone you don’t like, just to be mean in the end (uselessly mean).

I don’t know why but I have been having quite a few “haters” those past few months. Whether it was to insult me, to tell me to lose weight or to steal my identity and pictures, I had to deal with all of this. So of course this comment didn’t really bother me. I have been told worse and I learnt that what people say about me say more about themselves that it does about myself. I am sorry to see that some people are using their own insecurities on others, maybe to feel better or else. Whatever it is, I truly hope that all those people will soon find the peace they are looking for and will learn to love themselves as well to respect others.

However, I won’t stay silent. I will talk about this hate I can receive, but always in a respectful way. I always protected those people by never sharing either their names or usernames. I never insulted them or have been saying mean things about them. I never judged them as a human being. But I am allowed to be mad, to respond to those comments, no matter how insignificant they are and even though I shouldn’t lose my own time on this.

So here is what I am trying to say: If you do not like what people are sharing on the Internet, or if you just don’t like the person, unfollow them and forget about it. As long as they aren’t doing or saying anything hurtful, there is no need to be mean to them. You are hurting yourself by following them, really. It’ll only make you mad and that is how you will come to post hurtful things on the Internet. You are free to follow whoever you want, to control what you want to see on social media – so do it the right way. And before leaving a criticism, please ask yourself if this is helpful in any way.

To end this blog post, I would like to share a quote from Girl Online by Zoe Sugg, a book I may haven’t loved, but those words have been staying with me ever since I read it:

“Every time you post something online, you have a choice.
You can either make it something that adds to the happiness levels in the world—or you can make it something that takes away.

I tried to add something by starting Girl Online.

And for a while, it really seemed to be working.

So, next time you go to post a comment or an update or share a link, ask yourself: is this going to add to the happiness in the world?

And if the answer is no, then please delete.

There is enough sadness in the world already. You don’t need to add to it.” 

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. People have been asking me to talk about how to read in another language and where to start, how to learn another language even, and that is something I am planning to do.

Love always,




An open letter to 2017

Dear 2017,

I am writing to you because, on this day, I am crying for the very first time of 2018. I have been feeling happy for two weeks and now, all I can feel is emptiness and tiredness. Maybe it’s because I am not feeling well that I can write this letter, or maybe it’s simply because tonight I am inspired – anyway, I needed to go back to my year and see what truly happened.

You started great. I was in Dublin with my best friend and two other friends. I came back home on the 1st of January after a very tiring flight but I was happy. For the first time, someone also told me they liked me. And a boy hit on me in the streets, in Dublin. I felt… desirable. And it had never happened to me. I never had a boyfriend, never even really had boy friends, and now people seemed to look at me.

And so, I had a crush. I don’t know when exactly but he liked Star Wars and Community and Marvel and pretty much everything like me. He asked me if I would like to re-watch the last Star Wars movie with him, Rogue One, and I fell for him. Not right in love, but something close. I remember calling my best friend and telling her about my day and very random details such as “He asked me if I wanted to go to Starbucks first and I liked him even more because of it” or “I loved the comments he made about Star Wars while watching the movie”. Starting from this day, this crush was all I thought about.

But life wasn’t only about boys and relationships. I had to go back to university, to my new studies and to my job. I had to work on my Instagram account which I just created. I had to start writing this novel I kept talking about since I was a child. But life somehow became oppressing and made me feel weird. I didn’t realise it right away but I still remember starting to feel a bit more down everyday. It started as nothing until it finally became something.

As I was starting to feel bad once again, my life changed once and for all. Never in a year so many things happened to me. I met new people, such as Lucie and Morgane who are now two of my best friends. My Instagram account grew… big, and with it came opportunities. Publishing houses were talking to me, even my favourite one. And if you don’t know, I even started working for Oftomes by handling their Twitter account. Things were looking great from the outside and I had every reasons to be happy. Except I wasn’t.

I remember trying to be, though. I remember going out, a lot. 2017, you have been the year I drank the most. I drank to feel happy, loved and welcomed. I drank almost every weekend and started to feel what is was to be drunk. And then one day, I threw up. And another one, I got a real hangover. But it didn’t stop me because I somehow needed to feel this happy, even if it wouldn’t last.

And so I did try to be happy. Next to drinking, I actually went to the movies a lot, went back to concerts. The funny thing, or not, is that going to concerts used to make me the happiest but ever since the terrorist attack that happened in Paris, it started to make me very anxious. I knew people who were there and everytime that I go to a concert now, I have to stay close to the exit and I keep thinking about it. But anyway, I did go to some concerts and I discovered new songs and I read a lot and I felt pretty someday and I saw my friends and I travelled and I went to museums and I met my favourite author and I bought my ticket for Hamilton and I went to Disneyland and all. But apparently, it wasn’t enough.

I remember perfectly the day I understood that my cyclothymia was messing with me for real once again. It was this summer, as the boy I liked, and who said he liked me as well, told me he actually had a crush on one of my best friend that I, as an idiot, introduced him to. For some reasons, my best friend was with me at this moment and I got to cry in her arms and stayed there until I fell asleep. I blocked him, told him to leave me alone and spent the night watching this special video of Tom Holland which make me always feel better. Although this time it didn’t work.

I was leaving for London the day after that and didn’t have time to feel sad. Lucie and my best friend were with me, I was going to meet my favourite author, I was going to finally visit the city that I always dreamed about. But my anxiety came in to play and made me feel terrible for most of the time. Many things happened during this trip and I was left sad, empty and tired.

Ever since this day, I knew I felt depressed once again. I knew I was back at it, no matter how hard I tried to survive ever since my last suicie attempt. And if you want to know the truth, 2017, you have been the year I started cutting myself once again. You have been the year I have been thinking about death and quiet, and it freaked me out.

Because of that, I decided to say the truth to someone. And that someone was my diabetologist. I sobbed in her office the minute she asked me, naively, “How are you today?”. We talked and we wrote a letter for me to see a psychiatrist once again who is specialised with my mental illness and food disorder. I was glad I called for help, but I was still feeling poorly.

And so I survived. I waited for 2018 to come, for me to leave this year which tried to break me, to kill me even. And it’s funny because most people don’t know about it. I became an expert in making people believe that I am actually happy because sometimes, I am. Sometimes I laugh and smile and actually feel lucky to be alive. And so I show this because I want to be known as the girl who smiles, the girl who makes people laugh and feel better about themselves when in reality, I wasn’t her and I was mean to myself and sometimes to others.

A famous quote have helped me to wait for 2018, which is: “Hope is like the sun. If you only believe it when you see it you’ll never make it through the night.” Those words pushed me to do better, to be better. And one day, I realised that despite everything, I loved myself. No matter how hard I was, I loved myself.

2018 came after that, starting with the worst hangover of my life but mostly with happiness and love. We are only the 13th but I have already done so much. I came back on Youtube, started writing again, went to London to see Hamilton and to go back to the HP studios, saw my friends, saw a few movies. It is going to be a good year, but I also know that I am waiting for this psychiatrist to answer me and that I am still feeling bad.

Despite everything, 2017, you taught me something. You taught me that I was strong, loved and beautiful. You taught me that my mental illness wasn’t who I truly am, even though it is a part of me. That I am my own person and that I can make it. You taught me that yes, I am sad, but I am actually going to make it.

Tonight, I am crying and feeling terrible. But I also know, for the first time, that it is okay. That I am allowed to cry and to be sad. I should let myself heal but mostly feel. And I guess this is why I am writing this down.

The truth behind 2017 is that I have been feeling depressed and have thought about leaving for good. But the truth behind 2018 is that we are only two weeks in and I never wanted to live more. I want to be able to feel sad without worring too much. I want to be happy and laugh but also cry and be angry and jealous and mean and nice and caring and dangerous and adventurous and more. I want to live and I want to let my emotions speak, I want to hear them and let them out for real.

So indeed, hope is like the sun. And I’ll never stop holding to it once it’s dark outside, for 2018 will be the year the day’ll come back.

December wrap-up, favourites and other


Dear readers,

I know, I am late. Life has been crazy and I didn’t really have the time to sit down and write. Today, as I have less things to do, I can finally do it and think about this last month of 2017 which has been quick, full of adventures and new experiences. So… Let’s do this.

Reading wrap-up

As I had already completed my Goodreads challenge for months, I decided to take it easy and to stop counting everything I was reading. I took my time, read only when I wanted too, didn’t pressure myself… And still ended up reading 10 books, which has been my pace for the past year. I was then really proud of myself for once and didn’t feel as if I read nothing in December.

Here is what I read:

  • Almost Midnight by Rainbow Rowell, 5/5 stars
  • Girlhood by Cat Clarke, 4/5 stars
  • Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie, 4/5 stars
  • Falling Kingdoms by Morgan Rhodes, 4/5 stars
  • My True Love Gave To Me: Twelve Winter Romances by several authors (edited by Stephanie Perkins), 3/5 stars
  • A Christmas Carol and Other Christmas Writings by Charles Dickens, 4/5 stars
  • Only Dull People Are Brilliant At Breakfast by Oscar Wilde, 4/5 stars
  • Lord of Shadows by Cassandra Clare, 5/5 stars (re-read)
  • Wonder by R. J. Palacio, 4/5 stars
  • Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoï, 5/5 stars

My favourite one, if you don’t count my re-read of Lord of Shadows, definitely was Anna Karenina. I was very scared to read it, first because of its lenght, second because of how much two of my friends loved it. I fell in love with this book from the first lines and couldn’t stop reading it. It made me feel happy and I’m really looking into reading more by Tolstoï in the future.

Copie de Publication Twitter – Sans titre.png
taken by me for thebookwormofnotredame (Instagram)

  • Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Last Jedi

Here is something you may not know about me: I am a huge Star Wars nerd. My parents never made me watch it because they don’t like the movies, especially my dad, so I couldn’t grow up with it. However, three or four years ago, I watched the entire saga for the first time and fell in love with it, hard. From there, I couldn’t go back.

Of course, I was very excited for this new episode to come out. I was scared, I didn’t know what to expect from it, but I was mostly happy. Wel… To this day, I have seen it 6th times. That’s how much I loved it.

Even though there are some things that I didn’t understand, I still think that it was an amazing Star Wars movie. I especially adored Kylo’s character, in all its complexity and darkness. It made me become a bit obsessed with Adam Driver and even though I rarely become really obsessed with celebrities, he still is someone I admire a lot. I have been watching some of his movies during December and inted on continuing doing so.

  • Disneyland Paris
Copie de Publication Twitter – Sans titre (1).png
my friends and I at Disneyland Paris

As planned, I went to Disneyland Paris with two of my friends and it had been my favourite day of December. It was freezing but we had so much fun. Honestly, we only laughed through the whole day and we had stars in our eyes. We probably looked like 4 years old, each one of us with our Disney ears (mine were Star Wars ones, of course), and it definitely made us go back to that age. Everything was magical and I can’t think of a better day than this one.

  • Lord of Shadows

Okay, I know: I should stop with this book. But as I re-read it for the third time, I really realised that it was my favourite book. I can’t express exactly why, so this will be very short, but ending the year with it, no matter how much it broke me, was the best idea. This story is so important to me and very close to my heart.

  • My Spider-man sweater
Copie de Publication Twitter – Sans titre (2).png
me in my Spider-Man sweater

My friend Lucie is the best at making gifts, I swear. And for Christmas, along other amazing things, she got me the one thing I wanted more than anything: the sweater that Peter Parker wears at the end of the Spider-Man: Homecoming movie. I may have been wearing it all the time since I got it and I can’t explain how happy it makes me to have it.

  • Booktube

Copie de Publication Twitter – Sans titre (3)

In December, I started filming again and came back on booktube for good. It made me feel so good and happy to actually do it. I have been watching booktube videos ever since I was 14 and it has always been something that calms me down. Being now a part of this community feels surreal but also incredible.

  • Ben Franklin’s Song

Thanks to the genius that is Lin-Manuel Miranda, we got a new Hamilton song last month and I have been mostly listening to it. I can’t really expressed properly how important Hamilton is to me, but having a new song made me feel extremely good: It reminded me of the time the original cast was still at Broadway and we had news everyday.

  • Panic! at the Disco

In December, I also started listening to a very famous band that people have been recommended me for ages. I quickly became obsessed, well not for every songs but some really got me. I am currently listening to The Death of a Bachelor non-stop and I have no regrets.

  • Myself
Copie de Publication Twitter – Sans titre (4).png
me on Christmas

Finally, I started to learn to love myself this past month. 2017 has been a very hard year for me but I came to the conclusion that I actually am strong and that I actually love myself, despite everything. As in every relationship, I sometimes get mad at myself but I also believe that I am beautiful and have great tastes and I wouldn’t change who I am.

As I will talk about my goals for the new year and for January in a next post, I guess this is the end of my wrap-up. December has been a very important month for me and I am glad that I got to grow up so much in such a short time.

2018, I am so ready for you.

Love always,



Review: Meet Cute: Some People Are Destined to Meet by …

I recieved an e-ARC copy via NetGalley in exchange for a honest review.

You will love this book if you like:

  • romance,
  • short stories,
  • contemporary books.

You should read it:

  • when you need something super cute,
  • when you want to fall in love.

More informations:

  • anthology,
  • written by several authors,
  • very diverse,
  • released on January 2, 2018.

Copie de Copie de review (1).png


Whether or not you believe in fate, or luck, or love at first sight, every romance has to start somewhere. MEET CUTE is an anthology of original short stories featuring tales of “how they first met” from some of today’s most popular YA authors.

Readers will experience Nina LaCour’s beautifully written piece about two Bay Area girls meeting via a cranky customer service Tweet, Sara Shepard’s glossy tale about a magazine intern and a young rock star, Nicola Yoon’s imaginative take on break-ups and make-ups, Katie Cotugno’s story of two teens hiding out from the police at a house party, and Huntley Fitzpatrick’s charming love story that begins over iced teas at a diner. There’s futuristic flirting from Kass Morgan and Katharine McGee, a riveting transgender heroine from Meredith Russo, a subway missed connection moment from Jocelyn Davies, and a girl determined to get out of her small town from Ibi Zoboi. Jennifer Armentrout writes a sweet story about finding love from a missing library book, Emery Lord has a heartwarming and funny tale of two girls stuck in an airport, Dhonielle Clayton takes a thoughtful, speculate approach to pre-destined love, and Julie Murphy dreams up a fun twist on reality dating show contestants.

This incredibly talented group of authors brings us a collection of stories that are at turns romantic and witty, epic and everyday, heartbreaking and real.

via Goodreads


Meet Cute: Some People Are Destined to Meet was one of my most anticipated releases of 2018 since one of my favourite authors, Jennifer L. Armentrout, wrote a short story in this anthology. When NetGalley accepted to send me an e-arc copy of it, I simply couldn’t believe it: I was extremely happy but still was a bit scared. What if I was disappointed? After all, it happened with Because You Love to Hate Me and maybe I just didn’t love anthologies. Well, I was wrong: This book is the cutest thing I have ever read and made me feel extremely happy.

The first thing that struck me while reading it was how diverse it was. I knew it was going to be, but I never thought it would be that diverse and I’m so glad it did. I felt so good reading it, and this book definitely is important. I may not be part of the LGBTQIA+ community as I am a straight cis woman but I can see how powerful this book is for people who belongs to this community.

I grew up reading books about girls falling in love with boys and boys falling in love with girls and it talked to me but I wish I would have grew up in a world in which every kind of relationships is portrayed, a world in which a gay boy can see himself in the main character, in which a trans bi girl can say that this book was about her. Everyone should see themselves in literature, and it was darn time a book like Meet Cute came out.

This book was natural. Boys fell in love with boys and girls with girls and boy with girls and girls with boys. Some were trans girls and some were trans boys and never once it was said that they were fake boys or fake girls; they just were who they were. Meet Cute also was about everyone, not just considering sexuality but also skin colours. It wasn’t just about white people for once, but really about everyone. This anthology succeeded in making everyone feeling represented, included, in just a few words and a few stories, something that is still missing a lot in today’s literature.

Meet Cute made me feel good about our future. I dream to live in a world where people wouldn’t assume you love boys because you look like their definition of a girl, where love is love is love is love is love.

Talking about the anthology itself, I loved some short stories more than others. For example, I fell in love with Print ShopClickOomphThe Dictionary of You and Me and Something Real. There were some that didn’t work out for me, like Siege Etiquette and Say Everything (as I don’t like the second person point of view), as well as The Intern (which deals with insta-love). The others were cute, sometimes weird but in a good way and always adorable. In the end, the whole book is the definition of cuteness and love.

In conclusion, I highly recommend this book to lovers of romance and contemporary, but also to everyone. I promise that it’ll make you feel good, and who doesn’t need a little bit of cuteness in their lives?

Love always,



Living in the middle: cyclothymia and demisexuality

tw// suicide, sex

Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Wanderlust GIFT IDEAS (1)

Dear readers,

I have no idea where I am going with this. I am just writing everything down as it comes through my brain, as if it could somehow help me ease the whole thing. I do have a lot to say today, but don’t know how to say it. So let’s start quickly and talk about what really bothers me: how I always lived in the middle, in this weird and forgotten part of everything.

It’s funny to see how all my life, I have been feeling left out. I always had two friends and both of them always left me in the end. I never knew what I liked growing up, if I was more a flower dress girl or a black jeans ripped one, if I was someone who was pessimistic or more optimistic. And it was even more weird how all my feelings didn’t work out with everything else: I never felt attracted to anyone and my emotions were a wreck, but not enough to be something very serious (well, that’s what they said).

I grew up angry, lonely. I had no idea who I was, to whom I was attracted, what I liked, how I felt. Nothing ever made sense, and feeling all of this while being a teenager is even worse: it’s the perfect time for your brain to decide that you are everything and nothing at all. Thanks a lot, adolescence.

The therapists weren’t helping either. They were talking a lot about depression, bipolar disorders and many other things that I understood but couldn’t feel. It wasn’t it. It never was. So why on earth was nobody getting me?

After I tried to kill myself, a psychologist finally understood what I was suffering from: cyclothymia. I remember smiling a bit because for once, it felt right. That was it. That was me.

What Wikipedia says about it:

Cyclothymia (/ˌsklˈθmiə/), also called cyclothymic disorder, is a type of chronic mood disorder widely considered to be a more chronic but milder or subthreshold form of bipolar disorder. Cyclothymia is characterized by numerous mood swings, with periods of hypomanic symptoms that do not meet criteria for a manic episode, alternating with periods of mild or moderate symptoms of depression that do not meet criteria for a major depressive episode.

An individual with cyclothymia may feel stable at a baseline level but experience a noticeable shift to an emotional high during subthreshold hypomanic episodes of elation or euphoria, with symptoms similar to those of mania but less severe, and often cycle to emotional lows with moderate depressive symptoms. To meet the diagnostic criteria for cyclothymia, a person must experience this alternating pattern of emotional highs and lows for a period of at least two years with no more than two consecutive symptom-free months.

However, as I was happy with this diagnostic, I realised that people around me didn’t understand it. As I explain what it is, most people always answer, “yeah, so you have mood swings like every one”. Suddenly, I was back in the middle: I wasn’t too depressed to be bipolar and I wasn’t too well to not suffer from a mental illness. And that’s what people don’t understand.

The same thing happened when it came to my sexuality. As I grew up, I asked myself many questions: was I straight? gay? bi? asexual? Nothing felt right. I always crushed on boys but never was attracted to them, but I felt even less for girls. So what was I? Why was I so disguted by sex everytime? I am going to be honest here: I tried to watch porn and it only made me throw up. Why was I like this?

One day, a friend told me about demisexuality and again, it made sense. That was me.

What the Internet says about it:

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.

When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.

And as many of my friends understood, a lot of other people didn’t. “So… you’re just normal? Not having sex before knowing the person is pretty normal,” they say, seeing how hurt I was nonetheless.

Once, I posted a picture of myself during the demisexuality day for the month of sexualities and a girl attacked me, saying I wasnt part of the LGBTQIA+ community (I don’t feel like I belong in this community, since I’m still somehow attracted only to boys) but I wasn’t even trying to do so. It was just our day, and so I explained it to her and she answered, “stop trying to get attention for not fucking with everyone”. It made me cry for an hour, and some more.

Because it’s not as if it was a choice, as if I wanted to not have sex with anyone. It’s just that I can’t feel this attraction. I shared my first kiss with a boy I liked nothing about, hoping it’ll get better once we’d kissed, but it didn’t. I threw up a bit after and got bored throughout the whole kiss. It was awful and I didn’t ask to be like that. Once again, I wasn’t too attracted to be able to be like non-asexual people but not too much asexual to be one too. I was stuck in the middle, forever stuck in this area which no one seemed to understand.

I’m going to be honest: living in the middle is very frustrating. I stopped talking about demisexuality online and to people, promising myself to only talk about it to my close friends and future lover, and don’t bring the world cyclothymia a lot either, unless I know it’s safe for me to do so (the Internet is safe for that). And you know what? It sucks. It sucks that I can’t be proud of who I am and talk about what I feel because people out there don’t understand what I am going through. I am not asking for pity or else, just for people to recognised it, my sexuality and mental illness. I just want to be seen for who I am.

I’m not saying I’m miserable or anything. Many people live worse, I really know that, especially for the sexuality part.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, even though I wished I could talk about it freely, I still am okay today. I know I love flower dresses and black ripped jeans, musicals and metal music. I know why I am not attracted to people and why my brain is acting weird most of the times.

I know how hard it is to not know who we are (and you don’t have to be cyclothymic or demisexual to live it) but I promise: you’re getting there. Growing up is like meeting a new person and discovering every little things that make them. You’ll be amazed by some of it (I actually am a very serious person) and sometimes pissed off by some parts (I also am very impatient and can be pretty selfish), but it’ll feel okay. You’ll fall in love with yourself somehow, and that’s an amazing feeling.

I still have a lot of things to learn about myself, but you know what? I’m proud of who I am and I love myself for who I really am, a person forever but happily stuck in the middle.

Love always,



Q&A | 2017 edition

Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Wanderlust GIFT IDEAS

Dear readers,

A few weeks ago, I asked people on my Instagram account if they had any questions for me and I decided to make a blog post of it. I did a few Q&A over the months on Instagram but of course, since it was in my story, it didn’t stay longer than 24 hours – here people will be able to get to know me a little bit better whenever they want (well, if that can interrest them). I divided the Q&A in a few categories to make it more clear, so let’s do it!

  • What are some of your favourite books, aside from Lady Midnight?

My two other favourite books are The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky because it brought me a lot when I was younger and Dracula by Bram Stoker, even though I don’t know why. There’s also Illusions Perdues by Honoré de Balzac, and I also don’t know why. It’s just an important book to me.

  • Why do you love reading so much?

Ah, the question.

Honestly, as cliché as it may sound, books have always been here for me. I do not come from a readers family so my parents couldn’t understand why I wanted to buy new books every week, but I still loved it and it made me feel good everytime. Books were also with me when I woke up from the coma, when I broke my arm, when I tried to (tw// suicide) kill myself. They allowed me to escape the real world before becoming a simple source of joy. Books make me dream, laugh, cry, love. They taught me a lot, they made me a better person, they made me who I am. Honestly, I wouldn’t be much if I didn’t have them.

I guess that’s why I love reading.

  • Why do you read in English?

As I speak English and want to live in the UK, I didn’t see how it was relevant to read a translation when I could just read the original text! It also helps me to improve my English, of course, and English books are way cheaper than French ones (that’s the real reason).

  • What is your favourite quote?

By far, my favourite quote is “We live and breathe words.” by Cassandra Clare. It means a lot to me and I would have wanted it as a tattoo (but I can’t due to medical reasons).

  • Do you prefer Julian Blackthorn or Emma Carstairs?

This is a very hard question, as I love them both for very different reasons.

I love Emma because she looks like me but still is very different. We both are blonde, have a scar on our arm, are bad at relationships and will kill anyone that come closer to the Blackthorns. But Emma is so much stronger, nicer and smarter than I am, and she inspires me every day to be better.

As for Julian, I obviously love him a lot but we do are very similar. Many people see him as demisexual, which I am, and reading about his feelings made me feel better about myself. He also is very protective when it comes to the people he loves, and some people see it as a scary thing, but I totally understand. He also is a very passionate person, which I am too..

Julian makes me feel okay about myself when Emma inspires me to be even better. I honestly can’t choose between the both of them, as they both are a part of who I am.

  • Do you prefer Will Herondale or Jem Carstairs?

Why choose, to be honest?

If I have to, I would go with Jem Carstairs. I loved him way better than Will in the first book and even though I then learned to love them both equally, Jem has always been this pure and nice man who earned my respect and admiration.

  • Who is your favourite couple in the Shadowhunter world?

I have many favourites. I love Simon and Izzy as they do not have as much problems as the others and are absolutely adorable. I love Julian and Emma, of course, but I also have a thing for Gideon and Sophie. I think we often forget about them but they are such a strong, healthy and adorable couple. Their love and respect for each other is so beautiful.

  • What do you do when you just don’t feel like reading or are in a reading slump?

If I don’t feel like reading, I do not force myself. There’s no need to do so and I have so many other things to do that it’s okay if I don’t read one day in my life. However, if I am facing a reading slump, I try new books or simply let myself the time that I need to feel the envy to read again. I’ll try to write a blog post about it, as I just got out of a reading slump.

  • If you could only read one book for the rest of your life, which one would it be?

That’s an easy question: the answer is my favourite book, Lady Midnight. I already re-read it four times and I am still not bored. I see new things every time and it still amazes me. I’m sure that I can still re-read it and still fell in love with it over and over again.

  • Is there a book series that you have not read because you’re waiting the series to end?

I never wait for a series to end. I never understood this concept: if you forbid yourself to read a series to wait for the end, you are still waiting for the end – so why not read the books in between? (I’m also very impatient, so.)

  • Of which book’s group of friends would you like to belong to?

There’s so many amazing group of friends in literature that it makes me it so hard to choose. I guess I would have to stay away from all the very badass gangs, such as the Six of Crows or the Heroes of the Olympus – I would have trouble breathing after running for five minutes and would probably die. Though, if I had to be in a group of friends from a fantasy book, I would make my own in the Harry Potter world. I think I would love to hang out with Lily Evans and talk badly about James and his crew. I would love to be part of the new generation as well and be friends with James and Scorpius. Or even be friends with Ginny in the original generation and make our own gang!

But if I don’t want to be too left out (and die from a jogging), I would love to be friends with Cath and Levi in Fangirl. We would hang out at Starbucks, talking about books and movies and tv shows and music – basically what I already do with my friends. It’ll be the same if I hang out with the gang from Queens of Geek. I just need geeky friends, like I already do (but Hogwarts would be cool too).

  • What kind of music do you like?

My tastes in music seem weird to people, but oh well. I mostly listen to rock music, metal, classical music and musicals.

  • What/Who is your inspiration?

I tend to find inspiration in everything and everyone. Many of my friends are my inspiration for example, or just some random people I follow on Twitter of else. As for the celebrities and characters, I have many: Emma Watson, Lin-Manuel Miranda and Emma Carstairs are some of them.

  • Which languages do you speak?

I speak French and English fluently (I hope so), and know some Spanish.

  • Are you interested in history or philosophy?

Of course! Those were two of my favourite classes in high school and I miss it very much, especially the history one.

  • What do you love most about France and what places would you suggest to go?

I love France because, no matter what we keep saying, we are incredibly lucky to live here. School is free, medication too. There are problems, that’s for sure, and nothing is perfect but we still have big privileges. Plus, I adore our culture, our history, our literature, our language – well, mostly everything.

As for the cities to visit, I haven’t travelled a lot in France but I love le Mont Saint Michel in Britanny, Deauville and Honfleur, Calais can be nice too and Toulouse as well. I never been to Bordeaux nor Lyon but it seems to be incredible! I also love Angers and many cities with a castle, such as Chambord and Versailles. Of course, I recommend the island Corsica which is where my family is from, but Paris truly has my heart.

  • What is one country you’ve never been to that you would like to visit?

Right now, I’m thinking of Russia! I’ve always been attracted to it and I hope that someday I’ll be able to visit it.

  • What is your favourite thing about autumn?

Many, many things.

I have never loved the heat (and am now even allergic to it somehow), even though my entire family comes from very hot countries. Autumn means the cold weather coming back, as well as the rain, which is then very important to me. Also, this kind of weather relaxes me a lot and allows me to be more productive, as I feel more at peace. Plus, all the colours are simply gorgeous and you can wear again sweaters, scarfs and all! I love clothes but it’s hard to wear something nice during Summer, especially when you hate your body.

  • What are your tips for leaning other languages, to help separate them and become fluent?

Well, here’s another blog post I could write!

I personally spoke English way better when I started to talk only in that language. I started to listen to radio in English, watched television and tv shows in English (first with French subtitles then English ones), read in English and mostly talked/wrote in English. That’s why my account is in English; it allows me to practice all the time. That is also why I only speak in English on Twitter and on my Instagram account – you have no idea how much I improved since I started doing so a year ago.

  • Do you have a job at the moment? If yes, how do you keep your life organised/balanced to have the time to study, read, see your friends?

I do have a job! I think it’s important for me to explain you all why I have a job while still being at uni. My master’s degree is a professional one and we are studying “en alternance“, which means that we have to alternate between our studies and our job. Our formation is then very complete, as we are studying in class but also in real life in real situations. With my university, we have to go to work every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and to school every Thursday and Friday. If we have vacations with university, we go to work. At our job, we are also treated like every employee: we have a pay check and we can take vacations. Going to our classes is part of our job, so we can’t miss school, and we have to get good grades for it.

That being said, you already know a bit more about my job and studies! As for my organisation, I mostly read in the subway while going to work/uni and sometimes before bed. I also take at least an hour every night to either study (and I can take more than an hour if I need to) or read, write etc (truth be told, I don’t study a lot but I still have great grades so it’s okay). When it comes to my friends, I see some of them quickly during the week. My best friend come pick me up at work every Monday and we go pick up another friend at her university after that, another friend come to my lunch break every Wednesday as well. Then, I see them during the weekend if I feel like going out. They always come with me during my photoshoots, which I plan on Sundays usually, so it’s another time we can spend together.

Basically, my whole life is on a planner and everything is planned months in advance but I’m also always doing multiple things at once. Thats’s my secret.

  • What is it like working as a publisher/for a publishing company?

At first it was very intimidating, then I understood that I knew things and was good at my job so I stopped worrying too much. Right now, I love working in the publishing world and I feel as if I fit in. It sure is hard but also very rewarding. I adore knowing everything in advance and working on projects and everything.

  • What are you studying and to what school are you going?

I studied literature for three years at La Sorbonne before starting a master’s degree in publishing and communication in Paris too. I’m at my last year and should graduate at the end of 2018.

  • Do you have any tips for people looking for an internship in a publishing house?

The only tip I have is to dare send your resume’s everywhere and to sell yourself. Show what you can do, make them know, send tons of emails. Plus, use your blog/Instagram/YouTube to your advantage. There’s no real tips, unfortunately, or we’d all have our dream job but dare to try.

  • Could you give specific examples of what you’re asked to do at your job?

As an apprentice publisher, I handle the manuscripts department and also work with the two other publishers. I basically read manuscripts, decide if we should publish them or not, write a note for every one of them, send them back, answer the phone to talk with the authors, answer to emails etc. I also present some manuscripts to my superiors. When it comes to my work with the publisher, I correct the text and make sure after that that every corrections have been included. I also can help to write a blurb and all, correct it etc.

  • What do you plan to do in the future?

I want to work in a publishing house, that’s for sure, but in the UK (or any other English speaking country, if I can’t go to the UK) and at the communication department. Being a community manager would be my dream.

  • Do you have a routine for schoolwork or a certain way to keep it organised or motivate yourself to get it done?

As I said earlier, I study every week night at least one hour, depending on what I have to do (but as I also said, I’m not one who study a lot, we all have our own pace). I have a planner and all to be organised. (I used to be in the studyblr community and it helped a lot). As for the motivation, this gif actually inspires me a lot (which is very dumb but it works for me):

It made me realised how I can watch Netflix or read when I’ll be done with everything and use this time to actually be productive and make the best out of it. Now’s the time to proove that you can do it.

It’s the very little things that keep you motivated, so print your favourite quote, play your studying playlist, watch a studying video… anything! as long as it keeps you going.

  • How do you deal with your mental health issues and/or anxiety when you are trying to read or have to work?

Reading is easy: it actually calms me down. It’s work that is way more difficult to deal with. How many times have I had to run to the toilets because I was having a panic attack? How many times a situation made me cry and I had to hide it? How many morning did I have to convince myself to go to work in the morning and not let myself rots in my bed?

I think that doing something I love helps a lot, even though there was a time when I had problems there and it was even harder. What I try to do now is to have a quick solution to stop feeling the anxiety or else when it happens, so I can calm down a bit and wait to be home to deal with it properly: I can send a text to my friends, watch a small video of Tom Holland (which always works) or simply take a 5min break to walk in the corridors, get a coffee and stuff. It is hard, I admit it, but I will never let my mental health makes my superiors think I can’t do the job right. It happened before and it broke me to see how little people thought of me because of it.

  • I think interaction is one of the most important thing on bookstagram, so how do you manage to mantain your interactions? I only have 2k and I’m already quite overwhelmed. I don’t know how you can handle it. I guess what I’m trying to ask is, how do you keep up with conversations from your fellow bookstagrammers?

Comments are hard for me to answer. I am blessed to have many people answering to my posts and even though I wish I could take the time to answer to everyone, I never do. I do not have any excuses though, I’m just not good at it and my anxiety doesn’t let me answering to people. Everytime I see that I have a comment I can feel my heart aches. It’s as if people were waiting for me and I couldn’t reach them.

So this is why messages are important to me, as I answer to all of them. Sometimes I receive a lot of them (as I said, people tend to answer to my posts and my stories quite a lot, which I feel very lucky about) but I always do my best to answer to everyone. It may take me a day or two when I have to think of a good answer but I never let a message unread or unanswered.

Now, if you’re talking about creating and mantaining this link between you and the person, I highly recommend you to answer to people’s stories (and posts, of course). I am so glad we have this feature as it allows us to know a bit more about the bookstagrammer and to be able to talk about it. Plus, as people upload their stories daily, you always have new things to say!

So… here it is! To you who read it all, well congrats, you now know a lot about me!

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

Pick some of the questions and answer them in the comments! I would love to know you all better!

Love always,



Bookstagram, part II: Editing and creating a theme

Copie de Copie de Copie de Copie de Wanderlust GIFT IDEAS

Dear readers,

Before starting, I wanted to thank you all for your words on the first part of this guide. It means a lot to me to see that my advice can help some of you or made you want to join this beautiful community.

For this second part, I will focus on editing and planning your theme. I will start with some general advice, then will move on to how I edit my pictures then will talk about mantaining a feed.

Quick reminder that you can do whatever you want with your account.  Having a theme isn’t something you have to do – the only thing you should do is be proud of your work and loving what you are posting. Those are only tips and explanation on how I work. I am no professional and I do not know everything.

  • Use natural light

That’s the big advice: Use natural light – it will make your pictures way more beautiful, they won’t be blurry and you will edit them quicker.  Unless you have a camera and can take beautiful shots in the dark, taking your pictures during day time when the light is great will really help you. This also means that you have to organise yourself to take pictures when the sun comes out (I usually take my pictures on the weekend so I can wait for the perfect moment).

  • Do not force colours on your theme

With Autumn coming, that’s a thing I saw a lot on Instagram. Many accounts used orange filters to make their pictures look more autumnal but sometimes it just didn’t work out. Instead of “forcing” your pictures to look a certain way so it can go with your feed, find those colours out there. Add some props, go outside. If you want an autumnal thing for example, take pictures outisde with all the dead leaves or use things that remind people of the season. Use natural colours and your pictures will already look more beautiful.

  • No need to have a camera

As I already said, you do not need to have a camera. I have been using my phone since I started and never had problems with it. The quality was good enough and I have been able to edit my pictures for free. A camera won’t necessarily help you make more beautiful pictures.

  • Try new things

If you are lacking of inspiration, or even if you are not, try new things. That way you will improve. I used to take only pictures inside, so I went outside. I then only took pictures at the same place in the same way, so I changed once again. Do not be afraid to try new things and experience: new angles, new props, new places etc. That’s how you’ll grow.

  • Have your own identity

The best compliment I ever received was when someone told me that a picture reminded them of my work. I love it when you know who took the picture just by looking at it, and that’s what you should keep in mind. Find something that makes you.

  • My photoshoots

I know that it doesn’t go with the editing part but I thought it made sense to explain to you all how I organise myself to make enough pictures while still having my jobs, studies and a social life.

I tend to plan a new outdoors photoshoot every two weeks. I go with my other bookstagram friends because it is always fun. We also use this time to go to exhibitions or discover new places in Paris. I use one day of the weekend for this and I stay home the other day to take pictures in my room as well. I always take a lot of pictures so I can always have some. To this day, I can post without taking new pictures for two months – some of them are very similar so it won’t be interesting but I still do have a lot of pictures.

If I am home early on another day (which barely happens), I try to take new pictures as well. I do not miss a chance when the sun is still out.

  • VSCOcam

It is important to know that I don’t do that on every pictures. I can sometimes play with the lightning or saturation more to make them all look good together – it all depends of the picture. What I will present you today is what I usually do and what usually works.

VSCOcam is a free application available on Apple and Android.

I first upload all my new pictures on the application so I can have them all and start working on them. I open the first one and apply the A6 filter – I used to not use filters for a while but this one doesn’t change much and only gives more contrast to the picture.

Sans titre (3).png

I then move to the parameters and goes first on the exposure. It depends on every picture but I change it a bit to make it more clear. I then play with the contrast which I move sometimes a lot. I need the objects to pop out of the screen. I can also crop my pictures if I don’t like the original setting.

Then I work with the colours and start with the saturation. I take it down a lot so it isn’t as colourful as it used to be. My feed is mostly white and I want the background to be as white as possible. I also turn down the temperature a little so it gives it this cold vibe and erase all the yellow/orange parts. I work on the skin tone and turn it down to add just a little bit of colour.

Sans titre (4).png

I can then go back to the exposure and contrast to correct it, as I did for this one because I wasn’t happy with how the book looked like.

Sans titre (5).png

And voilà!

Sans titre (6)

Most of the time I am done here. However, when pictures are too hard to edit I switch to Snapseed to correct some colours there.

  • Snapseed
Snapseed is a free application available on Apple and Android.

As I said, I can turn to Snapseed when I need to make the background of my pictures more white.

All I do is edit my picture entirely to make the background looks like I want, even if it touches everything else. Then, I click on the arrow at the top and on “View edits“. From there, I click on “Tune Image” and then on the little square with the brush icon. Now I can only draw on the background to apply the previous editing: this way, only parts I touched will be edited as I did earlier.

I also use Snapseed to add my name on my pictures and blur them to put it on my Instagram story when I tell my followers that I posted.

To add my name, all I do is go to “Tools” then to “Text“. It’s as simple as that.

To make my picture blurry, I click on “Lens blur” in “Tools” again and turn down the “Vignette strength” to 0 before playing with the “Blur strength” until I’m happy with it.

  • Try and plan it

The most important tip I can give you to make sure your feed won’t become messy is to plan it.

The first thing you need to do is to imagine it. Think of the colours you want your theme to have, the pictures that have inspired you for this. You can make yourself a collage of all those things to have a mood board of how your theme is supposed to look like.

Then, you need to start taking picture. Do not take them all the same day: they will all look alike since they’ll be taken under the same lightning, but you actually have to understand how to create an harmony by yourself. Many people change their feeds after having another photoshoot, but you shouldn’t have to do that. Plan several photoshoots and try to stick to your mood board.

When you have all of your pictures, or at least enough material to start working on them, you have to really plan your feed. I use the app Preview which is free to do so. All you have to do is to upload your pictures on the application and then play with them until you find the perfect combination. That way you will be sure your pictures look great together without being afraid of ruining your feed. I usually schedule every pictures for the week, so I’m sure my theme will stay the same.

  • Move and use different props

Many people take their pictures with the same setting and at the same place, and it’s okay. That is something that I used to do as well. However, I realised that most of the biggest bookstagram accounts didn’t work like that.

I know that it’s easier to maintain a feed when all your pictures have the same setting. But trust me, your theme will be more striking if you take your pictures with different angles and in different places. Try flat lays, go outside and take pictures of your book in a tree, put it on your bedside table, take a selfie with it etc. Your feed will instantly become more interesting to look at because everything will be new.

  • Do not be afraid to post non-bookish pictures

Ah, here we go. How many times have I seen people being afraid of posting non-bookish pictures and asking for permission? Well let me tell you: It’s your account and you can do whatever you want. Sure, if you are a bookstagram account, you are meant to talk about books but you can also post landscapes, outfits or anything else that makes you happy. Plus, having different kind of pictures will make your feed look way more beautiful and personal! It’ll be all diverse and it will look amazing. So dare present other things to your followers and show them your photography skills! Do not be scared to be yourself on Instagram: We want to know what you like besides of literature!

I hope that those tips will help you!

Again, it is important to know that you can do whatever you want with your account. There’s no better way to run a bookstagram; we all do as we can and all improve through time. As long as YOU are happy with yours and are loving how your account looks like, then it’s perfect! This article is mostly to explain how I work, since many people asked me how I edit my pictures over the months.

Do you like having a feed? Does that make you follow an account quicker than if it didn’t have one? What are some of your favourite themes?

Love always,