2019 has been quite a year for me. If I have to look back at it in its entirety I can clearly see that the first six months of the year were somewhere near awful to me, whereas the last six months were the most amazing months of my life. In the end, I changed a lot this year and my life looks nothing like the one I had back in January 2019.
Because I am nostalgic and because I want to keep memories of this past year, I decided to write a massive wrap-up of 2019.
TW// suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, bulimia
January started and I had a lot of hope for the year, though I was unhappy in many ways. I was working at a job in a publishing house that was making me feel more miserable every day, I started feeling weird about some of my friends because I didn’t trust them anymore, my studies (which would help me to have a different job) were too stressful and complicated and the competition to become a literature teacher was almost there (in France to become a teacher in middle and high school you have to pass a competition, meaning you pass written exams and if you are one of the best then you can pass the oral exams, and again only a few of the best are accepted).
Despite it all, it still had its highlights: one of my friends gave birth on the 1st of January, I had the most amazing time at my internship and shared this with an amazing girl, I went to Disneyland Paris with my sister and cousin for once and snow made a huge comeback, which made me the happiest.
January was only the start of everything wrong that would happen during the year: I was mostly unhappy almost in every aspects in my life, started having no desire to get up in the morning and I simply felt crushed by reality. I couldn’t even image I had a chance at passing this competition and seriously thought I’ll stay this unhappy for a long, long time.
February came, and nothing truly happened. I didn’t blog much because I was only studying non-stop, I was awfully stressed out and then I made one of the worst decisions of my life: I took on a second job, which I knew would make me even more miserable because I already worked there and I didn’t go well. So at this point of my life I was: going to job 1 on Mondays and Tuesdays, going to university on Wednesdays and Thursdays, going to job 2 on Fridays and then worked for Instagram, my blog and kept studying on Saturdays and Sundays. I was lucky if I could see my friends at least once a month in this mess. (A boy started talking to me though, I liked him a bit but then he screwed it all, so nothing much happened.)
In March, I went out more. I went back to Disneyland Paris to enjoy the Star Wars celebration, I was invited at the American Library in Paris for an event around bookstagram, I went to Livre Paris (a book fair in Paris) and went to see one of my favourite bands live, Panic! At the Disco.
It was in March that I also started my intense studying program. At this point I was studying every night after work or university, every lunch break, in the train back home and so on. It wasn’t making me feel great but at least it was helping me with my anxiety. But obviously, university made it harder and all of our professors gave us assignments, papers, exams etc to work on for April, but I couldn’t study for the competition while doing it all so I postponed all my university work to focus on my written exams.
In a way I thought I was okay but really, I was only hiding it all. I was still unhappy with my jobs, still unhappy about some people I had in my life, still unhappy about how stressful my studies were. I was also lacking of inspiration for everything, whether it was to take pictures, to write captions or to write blogposts. Getting up in the morning was awful, I survived on vitamins and my antidepressants but my depression was definitely making a comeback and I wasn’t ready for it at all.
April started with me sitting my written exams, which was an awful experience. I don’t think I have ever been that stressed and anxious in my life. I was so stressed that I was feeling empty, couldn’t smile, couldn’t hold a conversation… I was a shell and nothing more.
And, well, all the work I had to do for university came back at me and I was at a point where I couldn’t even do anything at all, even after being done with the written exams. I tried my best to work, I would take my computer with me to my doctor appointments and write papers there. I really tried my best but I just couldn’t do it all in such a short amount of time. So one day, as I was working at university on a paper, I left the library to cry in the toilets and felt the need to… well, kill myself. I was afraid of myself, I couldn’t think straight and for some reasons I called my doctor. She’s the one who saved me, who asked me to give my phone to someone near. They called an ambulance, I have been seen by many doctors and that’s when I started going to therapy again. (Thankfully my director of studies was nice enough to make me pass exams in a different way and to let me more time to give back my papers, so I was all good on that side and very grateful I was in an university able to realize that mental health is as important as physical health.)
Besides it all, April also was the month of the first round of the Magical Readathon, which helped me a lot to cope with my depression at that time. Reading helped me escaping reality and helped me hiding myself when I needed. I also went to Disneyland Paris again to enjoy the start of the Marvel celebration and met Spider-Man for the first time, which stupidly meant a lot to me. April also meant Avengers: Endgame which I saw on release day with my best friend. It was weird to say goodbye, but I was glad to share it with the person who introduced me to this universe.
Because I started therapy again I also made some big changes in my life and said goodbye to some people and to some unhealthy habits. I started getting better after that, I took new meds, stopped seing one of my doctors who also was making me unhappy and so on. I made some big changes in hope everything would get better at some point, and I’m glad I did because it truly got better.
(For some reasons it also was the month Notre-Dame burnt. Apparently we do everything together.)
In May my life got healthier. I went to Disneyland Paris many times to meet Spider-Man tons and tons of times again, started taking care of myself in different ways (also put my studies aside because I couldn’t breathe with it) and went brunching at Alma Choiseul for the first time. May was also the month the trailer for Spider-Man: Far From Home was released as well as the cover of Supernova. But it was mostly the month I learned I passed the written exams of the competition and would therefor be able to pass the oral exams in a month. I was with my friend Lucie when I got the news and cried a bit, though it was only a start and nothing more.
June came, and a lot of things happened. I was in the endgame for my competition and spent all of my time studying and stressing again, but not in an awful way like at the beginning of 2019 and it mostly was because I left both of my jobs and university was almost done.
In June I took my best friend to Disneyland Paris, accompanied some friends to their first Pride in Paris, went back to Disneyland Paris to enjoy the start of the Lion Jungle Festival… and I passed my oral exams, which was nerve-wrecking. I still don’t know how I survived it knowing I was feeling so weak only a few months ago, but I did it and I’m proud of myself for it.
In July Spider-Man: Far From Home and the third season of Stranger Things were released, so I was fangirling a lot. I went to an amusement park with my cousin and my sister, and also hosted a readathon which was the most fun.
But mostly, I got the most amazing news: I was a literature teacher.
Knowing this, my life changed for the better. I was feeling hopeful and ready to face the future, no matter how hard it would be. I was also ready to have an amazing summer with my friends and to enjoy every day before having to start my new job at the end of August.
July also was the month of YALC 2019, which was the absolute best. I shared it with my friend Roxanne but also met up with some other friends (shoutout to my French and English friends that I saw either at YALC or in London). We also went to Cambridge, which is the city that makes my soul shines (and also which saved my year as I was binge watching videos of students in Cambridge for the whole year to motivate me to study), we went to a Penguin Random House party (which was AMAZING) and we went to see one of my favourite musicals, Waitress. Overall, July was the best month ever.
In August I went back to Corsica for a month with my family (half of my family comes from this island) and it helped me to make peace with myself. I used to dislike going there as a teen but I knew I needed to spend a month there in 2019 to really reconnect with who I was, no matter how cliché that sounds. I changed the most during that month, I started being calmer, more… me. I had bad days but not as awful as before, and I mostly stopped hurting others (unfortunately me feeling bad at the start of 2019 resulted in me hurting my loved ones, which I regret every day, I know it’s not an excuse and I hope that I’m proving every day that I would never do that again).
August also meant the second part of the Magical Readathon, which was amazing, mostly because I discovered my favourite book of the year: Daisy Jones and the Six. And by the end of August I was starting my new job and my last year of studies, which wasn’t as stressful as I thought it would be, maybe because I worked so hard on myself ever since May.
September meant my favourite day of the year: September 1st, Back to Hogwarts day. I always spend it sharing pictures from the studios to fake actually going back to Hogwarts (though I’m a French 24 years old woman), re-reading an Harry Potter book and rewatching A Very Potter Musical. For some reasons I’m the happiest at that time of the year. Autumn made a comeback as well and leaves started turning orange very soon in my town.
Mostly September was the month I started as a literature teacher and I adored it from day one. My job is one of the reasons I’m so happy today and I am so grateful I found something that suits me so well in a time I really needed it. The universe got my back from the beggining.
Obviously I also went back to Disneyland Paris this month, but I haven’t gone out a lot because I needed time to adjust to my new schedule. Despite it all, despite old friends hurting me again, I was happy and that was the only thing that mattered.
October was a big month. I joined the Gilmoreathon with my friend Lucie this month and we had a very Gilmore Girls day. I went brunching with some friends, it was my best friend’s birthday and then mine. Halloween came, I discovered my love for the Descendants movies and went to the museum. I also celebrated my birthday twice, starting with a tea time with some friends and then going to Disneyland Paris to enjoy the Halloween celebration with other friends (well those who had a DLP annual pass like me, plus my best friend).
I was still happy and kept changing. I found myself again, was smiling a lot, was overall joyful… But then my first vacations came, and so did my depression. For some reasons being away from my job made me feel awful and I spent a few days stuck in bed, which wasn’t fun at all because I thought I was over it all. That’s when I realized that getting better wasn’t a straight line and that I needed to stop putting all my joy in one basket, especially if the basket wasn’t myself.
And then came November, which is the month I realized how much I changed.
This month I met Leigh Bardugo, went back to Disneyland Paris to enjoy the Christmas celebration, saw Frozen 2 and got obsessed with it, and also went to the Montreuil book fair (and met tons of authors such as Alice Oseman for the third time). I was feeling myself, inspired, happy, peaceful and many of my friends told me about it. I was someone entirely new by that point: I wasn’t letting others get a better hold at myself, I wasn’t drowning under depression… I was happy, truly and sincerely. I realized that I had an amazing job, amazing friends, an amazing family, a great therapist, and so on. Life still seemed hard, but manageable.
I know that I still have a whole lot of work to do but I truly felt a difference between me in November and me back in January. I was proud of myself, and seeing my friends realizing how much I’ve changed was the biggest gift anyone could ever gave me. They saw it because of how I reacted to things differently, how differently I also behaved and expressed myself. November was the best.
And then December was basically a wrap-up of it all. Not a lot of things happened because I was extremely sick the first week and then the strikes started in France, so I couldn’t go out a lot but I still saw The Rise of Skywalker two times at the movies, saw my friends during vacations, enjoyed Christmas and the New Year, went to an amusement park with some loved ones and so on.
December was a calm month and despite everything that would have made me stressed in the past, I was really doing well at controlling myself and my emotions. I really was a new person.
I know that this blog post is awfully long and I don’t think anyone really cares to know what happened in my life in 2019, but I still needed to write it all down because 2019 was the year I grew the most and changed the most. I fought my way out of hell and finally made it out. I learned so many things and have turned myself to love and to joy only. It really was as if I was drowning until June, and then I started swimming my way back up in July and finally started breathing again.
I am definitely alive today, and feeling lucky to be. My future seems bright, complicated at times because life is, but mostly hopeful. I don’t feel angry all the time anymore, I can deal with my sadness and irrational thoughts. I know how to stay calm and to think before speaking. I learned to love myself as well, and to celebrate myself mostly. I started being more independent, which was the hardest thing ever. I stopped hurting myself, and therefor stopped hurting others.
I am still suffering from depression and many other things. I still have bad days. But now at least I know it won’t always be like this, because I did so much this year and have now constructed myself a solid foundation for myself, for my life. Everything will be fine for me, I know it, and I shall never forget it.
I still wanted to thank my friends for being there for me this year, the ones I always had and the ones I got to know better this year. I know I wasn’t always easy to deal with, I sometimes made it hard to love me, but I’m glad they all stayed and trusted I could change, I could evolve, I could get out of this messy brain and start doing better.
If you have read all of this: Thank you. It means a lot. I hope 2019 was as bright as you all are.
To many more blog posts and many more books read, because after all, books were with me through it all.