Last week I wrote a pretty emotional and honest caption over Instagram. After disappearing for a week I thought I had to be sincere since I always want to bring awareness when it comes to mental health issues.
As I am also keeping track of my progress over my blog I thought I could write a little something here as well about how I cope with dealing with a mental illness on a daily basis.
❥ WHAT HAPPENED
If you don’t know, three weeks ago I passed the written exams of a competition in order to become a literature professor. Before it started I had to stop taking some of my meds because I didn’t have enough of them and also frankly because they are making me gain a lot of weight. Surprisingly I handled my stress pretty well around the competition and survived it. It’s what came after which was harder.
Basically I couldn’t do anything. I had no energy left in my body and anything would seem impossible to me. All I did was sleeping and I wasn’t feeling okay at all. Because of that I couldn’t study or anything even though I had to for my master’s degree. I was forgetting everything, even to take my other medication, and nothing was working properly in my head.
And so one day my responsabilities started building up. If you don’t know, next to the competition I have my studies but also two jobs, and Instagram/my blog. It’s a lot but until then I always managed to do it all. But this time I couldn’t do it. Because I didn’t study right after the competition I was super late for revising my final exams and to write my papers. I didn’t even have enough time because of my two jobs and because of it all I couldn’t even read, so my Instagram and everything related to it was suffering.
On a Wednesday night I lost it. I don’t know how to say it but I called my best friend and started sobbing. It was too much, I was lost, I didn’t know what to do. The morning of that day I told everyone on Instagram I would be done with a book and I wasn’t, which made me panic. Right now I know it’s stupid because no one would have cared but in that moment I felt as if I was failing everything: my studies, my jobs, my Instagram. It was aweful.
I still pushed it and went to class the next day, but it must have been too much because I ended up going to the hospital in emergency. I wasn’t feeling okay at all and my depression was eating me alive. The last time I felt that bad was in high school, a few months before completely losing it (I’m saying “losing it” insteand of other words which could be triggering). So I was even more scared of it all.
I wish I had better words to express how I felt. I was just lost, exhausted, terrified. I wasn’t really myself. Everything was dark and I couldn’t feel as if it would get better. Even though I fight my depression and anxiety every day there was no way I could have fought it that day because the monster that those illness are was too strong for me. But here I am, still alive, still fighting it.
❥ WHERE I AM NOW
It has been two weeks since it happened. Ever since I saw tons of doctors and people from my university. It has been declared that I would have lighter exams (well, only one question from the whole thing was missing) and that I would have two more weeks to write my papers. I didn’t want more as I really wanted to pass the exams anyway. As for my mental health in general I have been very careful to take my meds and am now seeing a new doctor next to all the ones I usually see, a psychologist. She helped me a lot, gave me breathing exercices and daily goals to do, and I’m doing it all.
At the moment I am on a two weeks vacations. I still have to go to my jobs but I have more free time to study but mostly to take care of myself. On the last weekend all I did was reading and taking baths, and that’s what I needed.
I am better, definitely. Not okay, but better. I know recovery isn’t a straight line so me feeling this lost isn’t really a failure, it’s just what happened and nothing more. I want to believe I am still strong enough to fight it all and to have the future I aspire but more importantly deserve.
❥ WHAT I WANT TO SAY
I love writing those blog posts because I can keep a trace of everything going on with me. I can see myself evolve through time. But on this particular mental health update I also wanted to tell you all that you can do it. I know how it is when everything is dark and when the monster is too big for us, but we are still fighting it as long as we live. We are all stronger than we think and we all matter. I’m sorry if anyone made you ever feel as if it wasn’t the case, but you do and the world wouldn’t be the same without you. I hope that you know that you are loved and that everything will be alright. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a year, but it will be. And until then, I’ll be here to remind it to you.
So, here we are.
I hope it’s okay that I share some of my thoughts and life on here. As I said I want to keep something from all those years of fighting, and I believe it can help some of you to feel less alone.
I hope that you are okay, and if not please know that I am always here to listen to you.
I love you all.